I dreamed of being an actor for a long time. But no one knew it, and I didn't pursue it.
Instead, I chose to bury my passion in exchange for a full-time sales & trading job at a Wall Street Bank.
I still tried to act when I could get away with it. But it was hard.
REALLY hard.
It wasn’t ok for me to leave the desk for much more than grabbing lunch. In fact, I got reprimanded once for taking my daughter to the doctor for a sudden body rash.
So, you can imagine how much I dreaded getting calls from my agent. Calls meant auditions which meant I had to lie. And lying meant a giant pit in my stomach for days.
I could never tell my boss where I really needed to go. So on audition days, I made up excuses to leave early, and then I'd scurry to the parking garage bathroom to spruce up.
I worried the whole time about the callback dates and god forbid if I actually booked it.
What actor in their right mind kinda hopes they don’t book something?
Ultimately, I booked enough to join the Union (pit in my stomach and all!) but I know I left a lot of myself on the table.
One day, I realized I had the equation all wrong. I made great money on Wall Street, but I was miserable.
On many evenings (and by evenings I mean 3:00 pm when I got home from work) I would inexplicably burst into tears, or I would fall asleep mid-sentence while reading books to my kids.
That was a big red flag.
And it’s because I was so damn tired. And I was tired hiding myself and my passions.
When I realized it was costing me my sanity and happiness to keep doing it, I quit (with sooooo much gratitude for my supportive husband).
But even after I quit so I could act full time, I still carried that insidious shame with me.
Then, I got some strengths-coaching which brought me to tears. It showed me I had to embrace and accept who I was a person – on the inside – to get what I wanted on the outside.
I couldn’t even explain why I loved acting, so how could I truly be myself as an actor?
It was the ultimate in self-sabotage.
I was never fully present for auditions, and it showed.
Fast forward to who I am as an actor today.
I'm in class every week and I’ve overhauled my audition process with a bullet-proof method for embodying my characters.
And I’m thrilled to be able to say YES.
YES to the audition tomorrow at 10:00am.
YES to the callback on Friday.
And YES to the job three weeks-ish from now.
Also, I know exactly why I love acting. I know how it feeds my creative side and why I need it in my life.
That alone is empowering; There is nothing I have to justify to anyone.
And I want that feeling for you.
What's it costing you to not believe in yourself or your dreams?
As for booking, I still don’t book every job, or even every other job, (who does?!) but I've never felt so good about my life, my audition process and the way I feel when I walk out of the room.
And that's priceless.